Waiheke Island, New Zealand

This is day I was thinking about the "worst case scenario"- and this is also when I took the above picture."

14 February: 11.43 PM: 2 Months later

I chose to wait until 11.43 to write this because i think it’s important to see how quickly life can change. I went down to the office today to tell my landlord that I really have no clue what’s going to happen with my life, but I should know by the end of the day, that was at 12.00. 

It was funny, because his assistant and I got into a conversation about how quickly life can change. With one email - Korea can happen. With one email UQ can happen. The patience in between in what breaks us all. 

A few hours later I heard from Brianna at Kids Help Line. She did not care about my visa, nor did she care about my possible employment. After a plethora of platitudes, she said that I needed more clinical experience. Something I am far too aware of tonight. 

I’m ok losing - but not failing. I lost on that one, beat out by those who have experience. 

I chose to pick myself up by my sandal tops and head out for coffee - thinking maybe some caffeine will help me decide where to head from here. I went to Indro, had a coffee at my favorite place and realised that I’ve got just a few more weeks left in Brisbane. As it really makes no sense to apply for a visa if I have no job. UQ ain’t gonna call. They would have by now. I’m, out of time. 

I remember watching the cars and people go by at this cafe - thinking that they’ll be here in a few weeks and how much of a difference only a few weeks can make. Hell, how much of a difference one phone call or one email makes. I thought about how I will leave Australia; leave Brisbane, leave the swamp, leave me mates, leave Alice at Taringa food market, leave Piggy, leave this amazing coffee shop i found. I thought about how much I would be leaving. Just like I was thinking about at Cafe 11 in Mokpo. I just kept thinking about how much I would be losing by going. The friends, the memories, the rugby, the coffees, the life. 

It was like I was dying yet again. Just as I did at cafe 11 in Mokpo. 

As per my ‘glass-half-empty’ mentality I got into it a bit and worked to reframe the whole ‘leaving’ thing. I remembered Shiner, Iced coffees, Texas BBQ and the Dallas Cowboys. I thought about everything I would gain by leaving - but I was still hit with the same and ultimate realisation that I was leaving Brisbane. That I would no longer live at 35 Morrow St. That everything I hoped for is now, as dead as I am at this coffee shop. 

A gorgeous blonde friend was there, her name is Chloe, but I chose not to say hi as I was already dead. 

It was like that point in a football game when you know your team is going to lose. When the other team gets the dreaded first down; a minute 30 hangs on the clock, running out so slowly and drains out all the blood in your favorite team, as you watch everything you worked for run away with those 90 seconds. its watching your team bleed to death - just as I did with that phone call. 

I remember writing an email about the Lord giving and the Lord taking away. I remember thinking about how much UQ has given me, how much Australia as a whole has given me, how much I have to be grateful for. 

Hemingway did pretty well paraphrasing it: 

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

It’s like watching your favorite team lose the 2013 NBA Finals. Then walk off the court with class. Their heads high as they know they’ve tried their best. Just as I did, walking from Indro coffee to the train station. I walked with my head high, I thought about what I had done in Brisbane and what I can provide Texas: Caverly, 2014; NPT anxiety, my clients, everything I learnt in my MA, everything. I thought about a loss as a win. As anyone does, as they call it a ‘moral victory.’ At the end of the day though, they still fucking lost. 

And then something weird happened - just an hour from the time I got the phone call from Brianna. 

UQ called. 

Floated a job. 

It’s important to see how quickly life can change. Quickly as a cup a coffee and an hour thinking about what I’ve lost by losing my ‘dream’ job offer and therefore my dream life - Pardon my metaphor - but it seems like that opposing point guard turned the ball over. Now its up to me to take my team down the court in a second. We’ll see how this UQ thing works Immigration dept. But my flat line has turned to normal sinus rhythm. I have been revived. Everything I was leaving, has been revived. What I started on this doc, has been revived. 

Live high, y’all.